A Kick or Not a Kick, That is the Question

In theory I am at the point where I can feel Peanut start to move around and kick.  In reality, I'm not sure if I have yet or not.  The books and websites all say that the initial movements are sometimes hard to distinguish (especially in your first pregnancy), but that it can feel like butterflies in your tummy or popcorn popping or a goldfish swimming around.  I personally don't like thinking about Peanut the goldfish, but anyway...

Right now in the evenings I sometimes think I feel some bumping around in my belly, but because I am trying so hard to figure out whether it is real or just gas (attractive, I know) I have trouble deciding if I am just making it all up.  I know that soon enough I will feel something that makes it very clear, but until then you can tell when I am trying to determine what is going on because this totally engrossed but confused look comes over my face.  Some of you will argue that expression is not so uncommon as to be helpful, but whatever.

The reality is, for me at least, markers of progress are really important.  It is such a completely bizarre thing to imagine that there is something else living inside of you (sounds too much like Sigourney Weaver and Aliens...) that sometimes it is just too hard to believe.  Your first sign, of course, is that your period stops.  After that though, it is amazing how quickly you can doubt whether the little stick you tinkled on told you the truth or not.  You don't look different, you don't feel different, and the whole thing really does seem a little science fiction, come down to it.

So to some degree I was relieved to have a little morning sickness.  It was another marker - a way to know things are on track.  Let's be clear that the relief one feels at the next step taken is quickly triumphed by the prayer that the nausea end, and fast, but (for me) there was at least a moment of comfort in the midst of the uneasy queasies.

But now that has passed (thanks be to God), and my belly is not really a full-on "I'm pregnant, get out of my way" belly as of yet.  It can still be confused for my own gordita (little fattiness, see previous post), so again you start to wonder...is there really something in there?  It sounds silly, I know, but it is amazing how fast your brain can deny all the ultrasounds and doctor's appointments and wonder if this can all possibly be true.  Which means, I look forward to the kicks.  At least for the first few days - until I want to get some sleep and Peanut is up for jazzercise.  My enthusiasm may dampen a little then, but hey, it can't be worse than worshiping the porcelain god was...right?  (Right?)