Except in my case...do.
Well, after months of eating better than ever (mostly thanks to Richard), and exercising 3-4 times a week (yes, you read that right), and having perfect blood pressure, good weight gain, and no swelling, I am now on bed rest until the arrival of the Peanut. Sigh.
The following moves to PG-13 and may be unsuitable (TMI) for some readers. Feel free to stop here and just hope all goes well when the day comes.
So the deal is, I have an impressive case of hemorrhoids. I have always thought, if you are going to do something, do it right, and this is no different. I now have a small mountain range on my behind, multi-colored even, and it hurts like the dickens! Hemorrhoids are really just varicose veins getting overworked and a little pissed off about that. To combat them we have begun a small pharmacy on my bedside table with antibiotics, anti-inflammatory pills, creams, stool softeners, witch hazel pads, along with the prenatal vitamin that has been a constant companion. Ah, the joy.
This is evidently remarkably common in pregnancy, either now or even after birth due to all the required straining and pushing, but it rarely seems to be a conversation piece. Folks talk about this in hushed tones just like in Brighton Beach Memoirs when everyone whispered "cancer." And I get it. It's not an attractive dinner time topic, but hey - it's real and it happens, and it is no good to feel like you can't talk about it. With double the blood pumping around in your body and the extra pressure of a baby bearing down on you, I am amazed this is not a required rite of passage (be thrilled to pieces if it was/is not).
I am pretty stoic about all of it now, and it should not impede our desire to continue with a vaginal birth plan, but it ups the ante a bit, and I can't say it calms the nerves. Still, it is way better than when we thought I was going to have to have surgery 2 weeks before my due date right on my down theres. Bed rest is not all it is cracked up to be though. My sides ache (can't lay on my back, can't sit, Lord knows I can't lay on my stomach), and I basically just get up to get a new bag of ice to strap on my behind and lay back down. Thrilling and...you got it...chilling. But it isn't for too much longer, and I know that whoever comes closest in the
betting contest we have going, Richard and I will be by far the grand prize winners.
In the meantime, however, I would invite all of you all to hum a shrinking tune whenever you are riding back and forth to work, out walking the dog, feeding your kids, whatever. In my head it sounds a lot like the baseball organ vamp "shrink, shrink, shrink, shrink, shrink, shrink, shrink, shrink, shrinkety dinky dink!," but you do whatever comes to mind. Feel free to record your best and send them to me. I could use a little extra entertainment.
